Monday, September 21, 2009

"Good"

Our BFFs from old, Brent and Shannon, came to visit this weekend. Being with them is like being with family minus the crazy. It's very comfy. We partook in a tradition that began in grad school in the backwoods of Mississippi; we went to a Better Than Ezra concert.

When Brent mentioned going this time my heart did sink a little. I knew that it would stir up the overall feeling of "ugh" that I usually experiece when I think of grad school and Mississippi. If I take the feeling futher then I can very well pull out and focus on the wonderfulness of that time; meeting Geoff, becoming his sherms, meeting Brent, the no-rulesness of living and going to school, both the stupid crap that Brent and I did on a regular basis and the meaningful talks we would have that provided endless entertainment... It was a magical time. But it also sucked. I got divorced, did this, got into that, hurt this person, carried a heavy burden of guilt all the time; I turned my back on God.

But as I stood there at the concert this weekend, listening to their song "Good" it occured to me that the overall feeling I had in that moment was good. It was not ugh.

I spent most of my time in grad school making decisions based on what I felt was good for me at the time. In the beginning, when Dave and I divorced, I knew that I was not giving God a chance to heal that marriage. I remember having those exact thoughts. No thanks, God. That was just the first of many poor decisions that led me to a place that Dave himself described as "the edge of a dark abyss." Talk about ugh.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him, who are called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." Romans 8:28,29

By the grace of God I got through that time, but not without leaving ruin on many levels in my wake. My friends suffered, Geoff suffered, my witness as a christian was hideous. But I know now that it was all "good." Good because it taught me that on my own I can do nothing but fail and hurt people. My life has to be submitted to God and what He says is good for me at the time. What he says in Romans 8 is that he plans for our lives to be good, to serve his purpose, which is to glorify his son Jesus. It might not always look good or feel good to us but for him it is. As soon as my life became his, it glorified him.

I still struggle with the hurt I caused others in my selfishness. I regret that. I would undo it if I could. But I know that God has a plan in that, too, that has nothing to do with me. That's now between them and God. We all get hurt by people and we all hurt people. It is God that restores us, if we will get over ourselves and look to him. There's a scripture I love about parents:

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10

Though they forsake me, meaning, they will at some point forsake you, and probably already have. I am thankful that when I fail my kids they have God to fill in the gaps, to provide for them all that they need in the way of unconditional love and instruction.

My other thought on this scripture is that we are to be Jesus' brothers and sisters, his joy, his glory, his inheritance. And we do this by living like he did. We have to lay down our lives, which is painful by the way, and does not feel "good." We have to say, "not my will, but your will be done." When I hear people praying for their loved ones who have a problem with alcohol, or who are in a bad relationship, who have said, "no thanks, God" they always pray that God would deliver them of whatever they are mixed up in, asap. I don't like to pray that way. They are in that situation for a reason. God will use their rebellion to glorify his Son. And that can happen two ways: either that person will respond to the voice of God and turn away from themselves and to him or they won't respond and he will be glorified in his justice of condemning them. I know that sounds harsh but do you really think that you can live your life however you want and get away with it? You might not ever do anything illegal according to the law of the land but what about the law in your heart? You know what's right. You know how you should treat people, your husband, your wife, how you should control yourself, how you should give to and love others. We are all predisposed to bad behavior from nurture and nature. But we are grown-ups now. We are responsible for our actions. We can't blame it on our past and our parents.
God is a just God. He is also merciful to those who seek him and have a desire to live right and serve him with their lives. Christ made that possible. And we are lucky to have his life before us, page after page, teaching us how to live.

I still fail and I still hurt people. Even though I know failure and hurting people is not good, it can work for good, which is to honor Christ. And God is telling me in his word that because I love him he will achieve his good through me.